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The Gift of Failure: How the Best Parents Learn to Let Go So Their Children Can Succeed

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NEW YORK TIMES BESTSELLER“Gripping…how can teachers snatch back their critical role and give children the necessary space to fail? They could start by making parents read Lahey.” — New York Times Book ReviewIn the tradition of Paul Tough’s How Children Succeed and Wendy Mogel’s The Blessing of a Skinned Knee, this groundbreaking manifesto focuses on the critical school years when parents must learn to allow their children to experience the disappointment and frustration that occur from life’s inevitable problems so that they can grow up to be successful, resilient, and self-reliant adults.Modern parenting is defined by an unprecedented level of overprotectiveness: parents who rush to school at the whim of a phone call to deliver forgotten assignments, who challenge teachers on report card disappointments, mastermind children’s friendships, and interfere on the playing field. As teacher and writer Jessica Lahey explains, even though these parents see themselves as being highly responsive to their children’s well being, they aren’t giving them the chance to experience failure—or the opportunity to learn to solve their own problems.Overparenting has the potential to ruin a child’s confidence and undermine their education, Lahey reminds us. Teachers don’t just teach reading, writing, and arithmetic. They teach responsibility, organization, manners, restraint, and foresight—important life skills children carry with them long after they leave the classroom.Providing a path toward solutions, Lahey lays out a blueprint with targeted advice for handling homework, report cards, social dynamics, and sports. Most importantly, she sets forth a plan to help parents learn to step back and embrace their children’s failures. Hard- hitting yet warm and wise, The Gift of Failure is essential reading for parents, educators, and psychologists nationwide who want to help children succeed. Read more

Publisher ‏ : ‎ Harper; First Edition (August 23, 2016)


Language ‏ : ‎ English


Paperback ‏ : ‎ 304 pages


ISBN-10 ‏ : ‎ 0062299255


ISBN-13 ‏ : ‎ 53


Item Weight ‏ : ‎ 10.4 ounces


Dimensions ‏ : ‎ 0.68 x 5.31 x 8 inches


Best Sellers Rank: #44,007 in Books (See Top 100 in Books) #53 in Medical Child Psychology #54 in Parenting & Family Reference #108 in Popular Child Psychology


#53 in Medical Child Psychology:


#54 in Parenting & Family Reference:


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Top Amazon Reviews


  • If you're a parent, you want to read this book
Jessica Lahey and I have never met in person, though we have been online writerly acquaintances for about five years. She has read my writings and commented on them (as has, in one case, her son, Finn), and I am professionally acquainted with her sister, Anna Jones. All this to let you know that while this comment is as unbiased as possible, there is a connection between us. THE GIFT OF FAILURE is an important book, useful and lucid. Jessica has researched many resources -- the book's bibliography is six pages of small type, listing 154 sources -- and has distilled their findings, conclusions, suggestions, prescriptions, proscriptions, warnings, and encouragements into a tight, well-structured, and eminently readable guide for the possibly perplexed American parent. If you have school-aged children, please allow me to urge you to read this book and keep it handy. The one caveat I will raise is that Jessica is writing from a certain solidly middle-class perspective, in the older definition of the middle class as a well-educated, professionally successful, and financially privileged population. Some readers may find her casual references to such luxuries as private schools, Latin classes, and schedules jam-packed with soccer games, dance lessons, and music tutorials, to be distancing. Don't let those frills distract you. They are minimal and immaterial. This book is filled in generous measure, packed down and flowing over, with insights and advice of value to any parent of school-aged children, from any segment of society. I can only wish that THE GIFT OF FAILURE had been available when I was raising my own son and trying to figure out how best to do it. (NB -- Amazon tells me that if I give this book four stars, that means "I like it," while if I give it five, that means "I love it." Well, I don't "love" it, but I more than "like" it; since I can't give it four-and-a-half stars, or 4.9, or some such, I am giving it five. It is an important book.) ... show more
Reviewed in the United States on September 9, 2015 by Tetman Callis

  • Top Shelf
I've been waiting for this book and it was definitely worth the wait! Jessica Lahey not only provides one of the most concise and thorough histories of parenting, but goes on to identify ways in which we - as a parents and as society - have insulated and protected our kids from the reality of failure to the point we are disabling them. As I started this book, I reflected on where I failed and made the same mistakes, but I also rejoiced in the few points where it seems I've nailed it. The details of my self reflection are not important, but it was more Jessica's voice, authority and empathy that allowed me to travel down that path. Jessica reveals where she recognized her short comings and then swiftly intervened with a plan of action that yielded slow but steady benefits. Her narrative, punctuated with research and anecdotes, makes the reader see the value in letting kids fail while gaining the necessary sense of competence and autonomy - and see that one is not alone on this challenging journey called parenting. As a teacher, consultant and parent, this book takes a place on my shelves among my most influential books. I'm certain I'll refer to it often for both personal and professional references. Well-done, Jessica! Lisa Wells educator, consultant, parent, writer www.wonderofchildren.com ... show more
Reviewed in the United States on August 22, 2015 by Lisa Wells

  • So helpful to me, as someone who works with kids
I know one of my issues at work is that I am just waiting to help the kids be done rather than to let them learn and be independent. I remind them to ask for help constantly. This is a great book to give reasons why failure is good and how to let go (to varying degrees). It hasn't totally changed what I do, but it has been a great reminder to tone down the control freak nature. I enjoyed the examples from both teacher and parent perspectives as I fall more on the education side but dip into enforcing parenting. I think this book could use some examples of kids with disabilities and some in-depth discussion on the topic. (It may have, but I've been reading this over several months.). I think such a discussion would point to how important being capable of intrinsic motivation is and strengthen the discussions already present in the book. Errorless learning, as I see it sometimes called, is a tool and sometimes I think we rely on it a bit heavily. Definitely a recommended read for educators and parents, and people in between. ... show more
Reviewed in the United States on December 5, 2020 by Alyssa James

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