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St. Martin's Griffin

How to Raise an Adult

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Description

New York Times Bestseller! A provocative manifesto that exposes the harms of helicopter parenting and sets forth an alternate philosophy for raising preteens and teens to self-sufficient young adulthood. "Julie Lythcott-Haims is a national treasure. . . . A must-read for every parent who senses that there is a healthier and saner way to raise our children." -Madeline Levine, author of the New York Times bestsellers The Price of Privilege and Teach Your Children Well In How to Raise an Adult, Julie Lythcott-Haims draws on research, on conversations with admissions officers, educators, and employers, and on her own insights as a mother and as a student dean to highlight the ways in which overparenting harms children, their stressed-out parents, and society at large. While empathizing with the parental hopes and, especially, fears that lead to overhelping, Lythcott-Haims offers practical alternative strategies that underline the importance of allowing children to make their own mistakes and develop the resilience, resourcefulness, and inner determination necessary for success. Relevant to parents of toddlers as well as of twentysomethings-and of special value to parents of teens-this book is a rallying cry for those who wish to ensure that the next generation can take charge of their own lives with competence and confidence. "For parents who want to foster hearty self-reliance instead of hollow self-esteem, How to Raise an Adult is the right book at the right time." -Daniel H. Pink, author of the New York Times bestsellers Drive and A Whole New Mind Read more

Publisher ‏ : ‎ Holt Paperbacks; Reprint edition (August 2, 2016)


Language ‏ : ‎ English


Paperback ‏ : ‎ 368 pages


ISBN-10 ‏ : ‎ 1250093635


ISBN-13 ‏ : ‎ 39


Item Weight ‏ : ‎ 13.6 ounces


Dimensions ‏ : ‎ 5.4 x 0.95 x 8.25 inches


Best Sellers Rank: #21,323 in Books (See Top 100 in Books) #50 in Parenting Teenagers (Books)


#50 in Parenting Teenagers (Books):


Customer Reviews: 4.5 4.5 out of 5 stars 2,070 ratings


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Top Amazon Reviews

    • Not just a roadmap to college admissions - a field guide to your child's ecosystem
I learned about this book because it was recommended by the Dean of Student at my son's college. I found it to be a validating and informative read. I see that a small number of reviewers are disappointed with the book. I see great value in this work on a number of levels, but I'll tailor my comments to some of the concerns I saw expressed there. Some reviewers expressed anger at the author's snobbery or hypocrisy, or anger because they felt it offered a pertinent message only to upper class audiences. I have read this and watched the author's TED talks and TEDx talks. It may be that I'm conflating her writing and her speaking, but I didn't watch the TED talks until after I completed the book. I found her to show admirable humility, not hubris, when she talked about her own forays into overprotective parenting. Her care and concern for our youth strikes me as very genuine. I don't know where my family falls on the national socioeconomic spectrum. I think we're upper middle class. I know we live in a moderately affluent town, in which most students enroll in college after high school graduation (no one's touting data on whether or not they remain and complete a degree). I know parents that do their kids' homework and parents that allow their kids to do it on their own. Our family was already operating counter-culturally. We had to sit down with our eldest child's guidance counselor to explain that we weren't concerned about building his resume for all those "Tier 1 schools" she was pushing for him. She was shocked that we had concerns on our list beyond the prestige of the schools at which he might be accepted. I think this book offers value for the time and money for the vast majority of parents. Maybe the college admissions racket isn't a big concern for you and your child if you have other paths mapped out. But here's the thing: your child will be living alongside peers for whom the dynamic she describes has been or continues to be very real. Learning about this reality may educate you so that you know to steer your child away from making a lifetime commitment to one of these parent-directed automatons. You child will live among these directionless peers, so getting familiar with what makes them tick, or even familiar enough to recognize the dynamic at play, has great value. If nothing else, it may help you and your child to identify strengths you didn't even know were strengths, because you thought they were basic skills. I assure you, the ability to talk to someone face-to-face and advocate for him- or herself is unique today. Just last night, I listened as a group of employers bemoaned the lack of basic skills in the pool of candidates for their job openings. This dynamic is real. If you and your child have escaped it, rejoice! But forewarned is forearmed, and reading this may offer insight into just how awesome and employable your child is. I have learned that sometimes we express anger when we are actually feeling defensive. That may not be the case for a single negative reviewer. But if 1,000 people have read the book, I'm sure at least one has reacted this way. This book calls us to step off the competition treadmill. That's a scary-ass thing to do when you're afraid it might mean your kid doesn't "make it." And she does mention that it's not unheard of for us parents to let our own egos get in the way. I think she's actually pretty gentle in her call to common sense, because she acknowledges that none of us "overparent" because we want to screw up our kids. We do it our of care and concern. She pushes us to look at our behavior from another perspective and consider that, in some parenting situations, less is actually more, and more may be too much. The one thing I think she could have talked more about are some of the other reasons that families might write off the big name schools. The Ivies and many other big names are large schools. We knew our children needed smaller communities. She does mention that piece, as the "fit" of the school for a child. But finances should be a big piece of any family's discussion about higher ed. I know many people labor under the misconception that any price is worth that big-name diploma. I have enough experience to disagree. First of all, let me snarkily say that most graduates of "big-names" (I am "Boston Mom." We have a disproportionate number of them in our area.) grow heads too big to fit through doorways. So an obvious negative. ;-) But if your loans for that "big-name" diploma preclude your ability to marry, buy a home, and afford have children so that you can go through the whole darn cycle over again with them, (or whatever you life goals are - students loans can kill so many dreams) what the heck was it all for? To the criticisms that this is applicable to a narrow audience: maybe. But the author wrote about what she knows. As for the frequent references to her professional role as Dean at Stanford, it's common for readers to consume only certain chapters or excerpts of a book. This is valid information, and it has to be offered repeatedly for people that are coming to Chapter ?? cold. Don't you remember how they re-introduced us to Nancy Drew in EVERY SINGLE book - "Titian-haired teenaged amateur sleuth, Hannah Gruen, fabulous dad Carson, athletic friend George," etc., etc. Yes, I found it repetitious. But it served a purpose for some readers, as does the author's numerous introductions of her experience. As I said before I digressed, the author wrote about what she knows, from her field work. Is it the complete story? Of course not. No one can tell you the complete story. If they could, there wouldn't be the plethora of books on the topic that there are. But I enjoy her writing style, I believe her experience gives her credibility, and the message has value whether it's to impact our own parenting or to give us insight into the reality of life for today's youth. Yes, there's a lot about college admissions (again, this is what she KNOWS), and that can help parents in the midst of the search or at the brink of it. But there may be even greater value for parents of 10-year-olds. They're going to hear, before it's threatening because they're afraid that they've already failed their kids, that there are other ways to go about parenting. ... show more
Reviewed in the United States on February 27, 2018 by Boston Mom
    • I seriously underestimated how good this book is. Buy it and read it with your friends.
The first time I picked up this book, I instinctively hated it. But let me explain. I have spent the past decade managing a major parenting community. I have seen the good, the bad and the ugly of American parenting, from the mom who wanted to take a powerpoint presentation into her child's preschool to explain to his teacher why all the class snacks should be only organic, to the couple who tried to keep their daughter from having BFFs in general on the basis that being too emotionally engaged with one person would lead to disappointment down the line. The desire to protect our kids can lead to a serious loss of perspective, which is why we need our fellow parents to talk us down off the ledge. The only thing worse that the excesses of parenting are the critics and experts ready to condemn them for being too involved - or not involved enough. These are the people who, as a group provide parents with bulleted lists of things we should always do or things we should never do. They have opinions on discipline, sleep, food, toys, TV education -- and if we don't take their advice the consequences will be BAD. The problem is, the same items often seem to occur on both lists. So we should feed the kids organic, wholesome, home-cooked food. But we shouldn't obsess about food too much because we don't want them to be *too* concerned about food. You get the idea. So when I saw bulleted lists and practical suggestions all I could think was that it was just more prescriptions and contradictory advice. The book sat on my desk months before I finally read it and I only did that because I was invited to discuss it with a group of friends who were reading it. I couldn't have been more wrong about this book. This is not more useless advise or a condemnation of parents. It is, first and foremost, about what our culture of over-involved parenting is doing to our kids. It doesn't blame parents for doing what, paradoxically, good parents are supposed to do in this day and age - that is to act as advocates and fixers for our kids. Instead, Julie Lythcott-Harris makes a powerful case for changing how we see our role in our children's lives. The central contradiction is that for them to thrive in the world they have to be allowed to try, to fail and learn to trust in their own capacity to meet the challenges of life. They have to do what we have been doing for them - what schools and other institutions have been doing for them - on their own. Lythcott-Harris understands that the problems don't end with us but the solution has to start with us - because we are the only people who care enough to make hard decisions. And let's be honest. The decisions aren't really that hard. We need to have enough faith in our kids to let them rise to the occasion, whether that's learning to deal with difficult people, or how to do practical things like taking responsibility for their own laundry or school work. In short,they need to be allowed - pushed even - to begin the process of managing their lives and relationships. These are things we did when we were allowed to do when we were growing up. If we could do them, so can they. When I read it with a group of mothers, we all came away inspired and excited and passionate and a little relieved that we didn't have to super-human do-it-all parents any more. We exchanged emails about what our kids were now contributing to the household - things like cooking meals or doing laundry -- all things they need to know to function as competent adults. This book is creative, intelligent and doesn't treat parents like idiots. I am so grateful to have found such a great, practical and inspiring book. I hope you and your family will get as much from it as we did. ... show more
Reviewed in the United States on May 19, 2016 by Nancy McDermott
    • Great ideas, hard to connect with examples
This is a good book, written very intelligently, with a lot of information and consideration. So it's a win. However, I can't help but feel that it's maybe a little ahrd to connect with if you're not part of the rarified segment of hyper achiever, rich, ivy league bound sector that she focuses on. The issue is obviously much larger and takes different forms at many levels of society. But the author primarily addresses a most extreme example of it that a lot of average people might have trouble connecting with. And that hurts the applicability of the message, when your own life is so far from the experiences of the wealthy elite. Perhaps the worst, most crazy and obvious versions of this problem can be found found the authors finds them. And maybe they're what need most to be addressed. But if the author had maybe just a little bit of experience with slightly more average families, or was a bit better at generalizing the extreme examples so they can relate to and apply to the ways this problem trickles down in imitation at different levels of society, it might have an even greater impact. As it is, most of us couldn't even dream of the kind of overparenting that the author focuses on, purely for practical and financial reasons. But we find our own ways at our own scale to make similar mistakes. I think more time, especially early on, could have been spent on generalizing and universalizing the message. ... show more
Reviewed in the United States on July 31, 2020 by Shepherd Book

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